Written by note: A friend just told me about the sudden grief she is experiencing from a breakup which occurred this weekend. Having just read a wonderful article over at yahoo.match.com on how to handle rebounding after a break-up, thought I would share it (the picture came from a friend on facebook) :
Rebound 101
by Margot Carmichael Lester
Most wounds heal naturally, but if your last relationship ended with a near-fatal blow, it might not be enough to erase all your sweetie’s emails or delete that number from your cell. You might need to take stronger action.
“When you’ve split up with someone, you’re not only dealing with a sudden absence in your life but also most likely battling feelings of anger or rejection or both, especially if you’ve been dumped,” explains Anna Jane Grossman, the author of It’s Not Me, It’s You.
”We love someone in part because he or she reflects things we like about ourselves,” she continues. “So it can cause a pretty good bruise if a person who once loved you announces there’s no longer anything likable about you. When you’re in this pit of misery, it can be even more difficult to fight your way out once you consider that there will probably be more breakups in your future. The reality is that the vast majority of relationships don’t last.”
But that doesn’t mean that you should live the rest of your life in the pit of misery or in the tower of bitterness, says Alexandra Delis-Abrams, Ph.D., the author of Attitudes, Beliefs and Choices. She offers these steps for starting your recovery:
- Honor your feelings; don’t deny them.
- Take stock of what happened and examine your beliefs pertaining to it as well as your own behavior. Be relentlessly truthful.
- Own what actually happened. Take responsibility for your reality and use it as a gift to help you learn about you. We know our intention by what we have. So, on some level, it was intention on your part that led to the breakup.
“Once you allow yourself to feel your feelings and move on, you won’t have to try to have your spirits lifted,” Delis-Abrams says. “You will naturally feel more energy.”
That’s what John Jones of Oakland, CA, did after a particularly nasty breakup. “Instead of focusing on ‘Why does this have to happen to me’ or ‘At least there’s light at the end of the tunnel,’ I’ve begun to look more at ‘What can I take away from this experience now,’” Jones says. “This introspection, often involving walks in the woods combined with having a better support system of friends this time around, has made dealing with some of the particularly painful aspects specific to this breakup more manageable.”
In fact, your social network is a great safety net, says Shari Marx of New York. “The best advice is to reconnect with your girlfriends and to start to love yourself again by looking better,” says Marx. “And meet someone new. Maybe not right away, but even if it’s just a male companion, he will help to fill the void that once was your last relationship.”
That’s the recipe for recovery she used after her last breakup. And it’s a good one, Grossman says: “Having a friend around to keep you company when you’ve just gone through a breakup can make all the difference in the world, so don’t be afraid to ask someone to camp out in your apartment with you for a while.” This will ease the pain of waking up to an empty life and an empty house. “Make sure your friend knows he or she doesn’t need to become your therapist or nanny,” Grossman adds. “Just being there for you — listening to you talk and handing you a tissue now and then — will probably be enough.”
Grossman also agrees with getting back in the dating game as soon as you can. “You’re probably not going to find a replacement right away for the person you lost, but getting back out there might remind you that you’re a hot commodity, and there are other datable people out there besides your ex.”
Margot Carmichael Lester, a freelance writer based in North Carolina, has felt the sting of a bad breakup on more than one occasion and lived to tell the tale.
Finding true, soulful love is not a destination, its a journey. A real and lasting relationship with a spiritual soul mate requires inner work and outer preparation. But what is a “soul mate” really? What does the term mean in an age of online dating and a fast-paced life? Rev. Laurie Sue Brockway, an interfaith minister and relationships counselor, asked the members of her vibrant Beliefnet group “
You don’t have to agree on politics, but you better have compatible ideas on the nature of G-d (even if you practice different religions).
God is my soul mate. God plays the music and calls the dances. I’m dancing to God’s tune. I can feel God’s rhythm in my feet and the way the bass line resonates in my core. Now, I have a dance card. Right now, I can’t read the names, but I have one. God filled it out with men who would make good parteners for me. If a dancer who is not listed tries to dance with me, we won’t dance well because we are not suited. The men on the card will do well because God thinks that we would do well. Not that we would be flashy, but that we would enjoy dancing together. We would make that joyful noise.
I believe a soul mate is not necessarily a love interest. A soulmate is someone that will mirror you, show you everything that is holding you back…a person who will bring you to your own attention so you can change your life.
I think that if soulmates exist, and I am not convinced they do or rather they do for everyone, BUT assuming they do, I think soulmates can navigate differences. It isn’t the least bit important that they agree on anything but that they can still love, respect, and yes, even appreciate the differences of each other. I have dated a guy that was too much like me. There were advantages of that relationship but what I learned is that even though we were so much alike, we still could not navigate the very few, slight differences we had. I have come to the conclusion that differences never matter, it is what you do with those differences that matters. It is the differences of other people that cause us to grow. Differences also smooth out the edges on our own personalities. A good relationship changes people for the better or rather facilitates an evolution that is both spiritual and personality wise. It is the whole grain of sand/pearl thing.
My definition: Entering friendships/relationships for what one can put into them instead of what can be gained from them. NOT to find another who might complete you, but to have another with whom you might share completeness.
I don’t think that a soul mate can be defined by gender. I see it as a connection that defies explanation. Where you can look at each other and no words need to be exchanged. I am currently in a relationship with my soul mate. There is no other feeling like it. The connection is physical, emotional, spiritual, and any other “al” that is possible. It just feels like “
I just want to tell you about my soul mate, Reneem who has passed on. I undrstand what this one song means when it says “I miss you, like the deserts miss the rains.” I knew her since I was 5 and she was 7. We knew we had some connection even then. We said it was like electricity inside us when we were together. Once when we had been away from each other for some time there was this dance for alumni. I was just standing watching everyone dance, and I suddenly had the warmest most wonderful feeling come over me. We both turned around at the same time and saw each other. She said she had the same feeling. It always seemed to be like that.
My soul mate is someone who walks beside me not in front, because I may not follow. He’s someone who listens when I speak and speaks while I listen. He supports me physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially if I let him. He doesn’t have to agree with me but be on my side (watch my back while I watch his). Someone who doesn’t execute authority over me, because only my Creator has that right, but someone who accepts me as the person I am. I was created in the Creator’s image, not anyone else’s. My soul mate knows this and accepts it, he walks a mile in my moccasins, then we discuss what has been learned.
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